Digger has a date

Oh man, I'm so nervous. Why?

Because this girl is smoking hot and I haven't been on a date in years.

I think I'm going to go with the red tie and the red highlighter for this one. Why?

Because red is the color of passion, and that's what Digger is going to bring to this date, passion.

Or maybe I should go green and green. Why?

Because it shows that I'm loose and like to have fun. 'Look at me, I have a lime green tie on and I like to get down.' And shit, it also says that I'm for the environment, chicks dig that. Yea, I'm going green.

[Doorbell]

Oh shit, she's here. Why?

Because I told her to show up at 7:30, and here it is 7:29. Punctual, I like that shit. I could coach that shit. I could date that shit. I could marry that shit.

[Opens door]



Hooker: Are you Mr. Phelps?

Yes, I am, but call me Digger. Why?

Because my parents fucking hated me.

Damn, you are looking good tonight, and I'm glad I went with the green, because now we match. Why?

Um ...

Hooker: Whatever. I always get paid up front and in cash.

Ooo, Digger's not a fan of that. Why?

Because Dickie V always says you guys are more likely to go anal if I dangle money in front of you later on.

But this time I'm going to pay you. Why?

Because my balls are dry.

[At restaurant]

You should really try the maple glazed rack of lamb. Why?

Hooker: I, I don't know.

Hey, you don't answer my questions. I ask the questions, I answer the questions. Why?

Because I'm scared to answer questions brought up by other people, and I don't react well when someone else has a differing opinion.

So, do you want an appy?

Hooker: ...

Oh, now you're too good to answer me. Why?

Hooker: I'm not, you just --

Jesus Christ, I said I answer the questions. Do you want to be a dead hooker? I can clear a body out of my trunk!

[Back at home]

I'm going to the bathroom to get ready. Why?

Because I'm going to get my dick good and ready, and I have to take a shit. That duck flambaisse isn't agreeing with my tummy right now.

[10 minutes later]

OK bitch, spread your ass. Why?

Well, I think we all know why ...

Hello?



Shit, another one bites the dust. Why?

Because I'm too forward and my poor relationship with my mother left me with serious female issues.

Oh well Digger, you'll get back on track. Why?

Because you ended UCLA's streak, that's why.