Sunday, January 11, 2009

Don't come here, go there!

I've moved the site, mainly to start fresh, but also because I'm a sporadic asshole.

The new link is

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Monday, April 07, 2008

Live-blogging the NCAA final ... Sure, why not

Quick, bonus points for whoever can tell me who won the game that is pictured here. You're prize, a years membership to the Daily Forecast.

Anyway, my house is about to be invaded by girls women, so I feel this is necessary to keep my attention on the game, and not their mundane conversations.

You'll notice that I've done away with the timestamps in this, because fuck that.

- I've joined the game with it tied at 13 during the second media timeout, which thankfully, gave us a commercial featuring a Silversun Pickups song and another featuring Meatloaf, and presumably his son and a Go Phone. This is going to be one hell of a night.

- My wife just sprayed four bottles of Febreeze in our living room, and I'm only slightly exagerating. Like cologne on a Mexican, Febreeze only starts covering up the ridiculous smell, but eventually becomes ridiculously overwhelming and can choke the life out of a human.

- Chalmers for three, followed by a stop and a Memphis foul. Billy Packer has got to be ready to call this game over soon.

- Our first guest and the dog has decided to go absolutely crazy, nearly shitting on the floor. Meanwhile, Memphis is dropping threes and trails by three.

- Speed Racer!!! That's going to be awful.

- Chris Douglas-Roberts really does have old-man moves. Even his first step looks like an old-man move. On a related note, a google image search for old-man moves produces this:

- This Nike Sparq commercial song is absolutely badass. Seriously, if anyone knows who sings it or what it's called, you'll win a prize (again, years membership to the Forecast). "List of Demands" by Saul Williams. Google wins.

- Remember when Brandon Rush was a projected Top 5 pick in the NBA before and after his freshman season? I think he's there again.

- Packer and Nantz just asked about where Derrick Rose was lately (1 for 4 at the time), and I'm starting to think his illness was more than Memphis was making it out to be. Before the game, Calipari said Rose eats a lot of candy and can eat a box of Frosted Flakes in the morning without milk. Not many people know this, but "he eats a lot of candy" is actually coach speak for "his AIDS is acting up."

- Halftime and Kansas leads it 33-28. More interesting than that, however, is I found Saul Williams Myspace. Dude may be a little fucked up.

- Is it just me, or does Clark Kellogg yell at us during the highlights? On the other hand, I really like Seth Davis as an analyst. He really knows his shit and he can bring inside info without saying "I talked to (insert big name here) and he said ..."

- Roy Williams has a Jayhawk under his blazer, so you can look forward to Skip Bayless to be talking about that tomorrow.

- Looks like Derrick Rose found some of Magic Johnson's cash during halftime, very nice drive and kick on the opening possession. (For whatever reason I feel obligated to tell you right now that Derrick Rose does not actually have AIDS, at least to my knowledge).

- They just showed the Rose to Dorsey alley-oop five times in 15 seconds. It was a nice play, but Jesus. And Joey Dorsey looks like someone who I can't figure out right now. It's really bothering me.

- In my google attempt to find out who Joey Dorsey looks like, I just realized that he's had three fucking numbers in his career. What a jerkoff. I'm now rooting for Kansas because of this very miniscule reason. Dyslexia sometimes makes 32 look like 23.

- I think I just witnessed the craziest non-scoring 45 seconds in college basketball. So many missed layups and weird passes, my head is still spinning.

- I know that a lot has been made of Memphis' bad free-throw shooting this year, and so far in the tournament it either hasn't mattered or has been good, but tonight, it's starting to fuck them a bit. And as I say that, Rose nails a three to give them a 49-47 lead.

- Speaking of weaknesses, Kansas' problems holding onto the ball have just put them down four. Billy Packer still hasn't called the game yet, however, despite the fact there are only 7 minutes to play.

- How do you know you're watching the national title game with girls? With 6 minutes left in a four-point game you hear, "I want to play a game." Fuck you, there's a perfectly good game on the television.

- Memphis is now up seven with just over five minutes to go, meaning that free-throw thing is likely to be crucial down the stretch. And, um, that was not a foul on Mario Chalmers.

- Rose just hit a bank three. Jesus. I don't have words for that right now, but it puts Memphis up eight and could be it. Sorry to steal your thunder Billy, but I'm calling this one for the Tigers.

- Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the Lexus commercial where the Hs leave, wouldn't appy Birt day be a complete puzzle. I mean, if there were no more Hs that is.

- So Rose's shot was a two, meaning they're up seven. I'm incredibly baffled that they reviewed that twice. Did it really take two looks to see that was a two? My dog just saw it, and she's sleeping.

- Remember what I said about Brandon Rush? Yea, not so much.

- This might be a good time (2:30 to go) for Kansas to start fouling this Memphis team that apparently cannot shoot free throws.

- Um, so much for that. Two straight for Dozier (67% on the season).

- Steal, pass, three. Four-point game.

- Packer: "Kansas is taking too much time to get this shot off." Not a bad statement late in the game, but recognize that Chalmers had just crossed half-court when he said this. They're down six with 1:30 to go, no need for half-court shots, Billy.

- Dorsey fouls out, which (unless we go to overtime) might actually help Memphis, since he can't shoot free throws.

- CDR just shamed Detroit. Well, not quite, but he missed a free throw and now Kansas has it down to two.

- Ellen Calipari is not hot. What the fuck John? Holy shit, Cindy Self may be worse. These two need to talk to Bruce Pearl.

- Kill the clock CDR! Kill the clock!

- CDR misses two more free throws but Memphis gets the rebound. This is where boxing out would be a good idea. Rose will go back to the line for two more and his team up two (10 seconds to play).

- Remember what I just said about Dorsey not being available? Well Mario Chalmers just hit an incredible three to tie this bitch up and send it to overtime. I thought for a second Kansas wasn't even going to get a shot off as Collins was pretty sloppy near the 3-point line.

- Mr. Momentum lives in Lawrence right now.

- Sorry about that last one.

- Packer: "Kansas knows what its like to be in an overtime game in a national championship." He was apparently talking about a game in 1966, which was 20 years before any of the players on this team were born. Rush and Chalmers did not play in that game. In fact, I'd bet their parents don't remember that game. Billy Packer, however, feels like that game was "just played yesterday."

- You know who else remembers the '66 game? Joe Paterno. It was two years before he was stricken with Alzheimers at the age of 96.

- Joe Paterno also remembers the Revolutionary War. And yes, I know that math doesn't add up.

- So ... apparently not only does Memphis struggle with free-throw shooting, but it also struggles with fouling people who are good at shooting free throws when they don't necessarily need to foul. Calipari might want to work on some late-game situations next year.

- I'm going to say this now, because I feel confident that Kansas is going to win (with 23 seconds to go), but I have picked Kansas to win the tournament five times since 2000, and they blow it every year. This year, I go away from the Jayhawks and look what happens. Fuck you, Kansas. Seriously.

- "Rock Chalk Championship." Seriously, Jim Nantz? Seriously? You had two days to come up with something and that's all you've got? I would have gone with something like, "Bill Self can now afford a prostitute because his wife is severely ugly."

- Well, I guess this is what I wanted to happen with Kansas winning, despite the fact my wife picked the winner this year and I didn't.

So there's your championship. I'll be back tomorrow night for the women's game.*

* - Ha!

Oh no and six

I fully expected to be writing a National Title game post on April 7, seeing that the big game is tonight (I'm taking Memphis, because I don't see anyone stopping Derrick Rose).

But I was also expecting the Tigers to be 4-2 or 5-1 or even 6-0. Not so much 0-6.

I'm still not sure what to think about it. I mean, I know it's bad. I know it's really bad. But let's be completely honest, how many people don't think the Tigers can bounce back and contend in the AL Central? There are 156 games left, the season is by no means over.

At the same time, however, early in this season, everything we felt could derail what was supposed to be a march to the World Series has played out in front of us.

It started with Joel Zumaya getting injured in another off-field incident, this time moving boxes. Then Fernando Rodney went down, then Curtis Granderson, and in the opening series, Gary Sheffield and Miguel Cabrera suffer injuries that aren't keeping them out of games, but will no doubt nag as the season goes on.

The bullpen was a bit of a question mark before Zumaya and Rodney got hurt, after, it was considered an unmitigated disaster. While it hasn't been exactly that, it hasn't been very good, either. Other than, suprisingly, Todd Jones, who is perfect in two innings of work.

The starting pitching figured to be strong at the top and questionable at the back end. Turns out, it's been fairly questionable everywhere, save for Kenny Rogers (who is consistently questionable because he's 85 and will no doubt break down at some point this season).

Verlander and Robertson have been lit up, Bonderman is so far from what everyone thought he'd be, it's laughable, and Dontrelle Willis still isn't sure where the strike zone is. If this keeps up, not only will the Tigers not make a run at the division, but talk of uber prospect Rick Porcello crashing onto the scene will definitely pick up.

But those were things we were a bit worried about coming in. Those were the things we all figured could sort themselves out while the offense cranked out 10 runs a game. Well, through six games, this lineup has scored 15 runs. That's 2.5 runs a game.

Miguel Cabrera is hitting .111 with one RBI, which came on a solo home run in the opener.

Magglio Ordonez hasn't driven in a run and Placido Polanco is hitting .087.

And how's this for plate discipline, the Tigers have struck out 35 times and walked 21 times. Sure, I didn't expect Barry Bonds numbers in that department, but the whiffing has got to stop, especially from Sheffield, who has six Ks and just one walk.

These numbers are disheartening, no doubt, but at the same time give a strange glimmer of hope. There's no way this continues offensively, these players are way too good.

But things don't get any easier. The Red Sox are next, followed by the White Sox again, Minnesota, Cleveland and Toronto.

Any of those games are winnable for this Tigers team, or should be at least.

Of course, same could be said about the Royals.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Digger has a date

Oh man, I'm so nervous. Why?

Because this girl is smoking hot and I haven't been on a date in years.

I think I'm going to go with the red tie and the red highlighter for this one. Why?

Because red is the color of passion, and that's what Digger is going to bring to this date, passion.

Or maybe I should go green and green. Why?

Because it shows that I'm loose and like to have fun. 'Look at me, I have a lime green tie on and I like to get down.' And shit, it also says that I'm for the environment, chicks dig that. Yea, I'm going green.


Oh shit, she's here. Why?

Because I told her to show up at 7:30, and here it is 7:29. Punctual, I like that shit. I could coach that shit. I could date that shit. I could marry that shit.

[Opens door]

Hooker: Are you Mr. Phelps?

Yes, I am, but call me Digger. Why?

Because my parents fucking hated me.

Damn, you are looking good tonight, and I'm glad I went with the green, because now we match. Why?

Um ...

Hooker: Whatever. I always get paid up front and in cash.

Ooo, Digger's not a fan of that. Why?

Because Dickie V always says you guys are more likely to go anal if I dangle money in front of you later on.

But this time I'm going to pay you. Why?

Because my balls are dry.

[At restaurant]

You should really try the maple glazed rack of lamb. Why?

Hooker: I, I don't know.

Hey, you don't answer my questions. I ask the questions, I answer the questions. Why?

Because I'm scared to answer questions brought up by other people, and I don't react well when someone else has a differing opinion.

So, do you want an appy?

Hooker: ...

Oh, now you're too good to answer me. Why?

Hooker: I'm not, you just --

Jesus Christ, I said I answer the questions. Do you want to be a dead hooker? I can clear a body out of my trunk!

[Back at home]

I'm going to the bathroom to get ready. Why?

Because I'm going to get my dick good and ready, and I have to take a shit. That duck flambaisse isn't agreeing with my tummy right now.

[10 minutes later]

OK bitch, spread your ass. Why?

Well, I think we all know why ...


Shit, another one bites the dust. Why?

Because I'm too forward and my poor relationship with my mother left me with serious female issues.

Oh well Digger, you'll get back on track. Why?

Because you ended UCLA's streak, that's why.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Wisconsin fans are sensitive

So I took a look at Pat Forde's column this morning about Davidson's win against Wisconsin, and Stephen Curry.

It was a good column, nothing spectacular, but solid. Bottom line was, when I finished reading it, I had immediately moved on, as I thought there was nothing controversial involved.

Then I read the comments. Apparently Wisconsin fans were not happy about Forde's swipe at the Badgers, who had just been beaten fairly soundly.

The Badgers fans said it wasn't fair, and it was unecessary to point out how the Badgers were bad, because they're a good team that proved they were in the top 16 in the country.

They also took issue with the fact Forde pointed out that Bo Ryan has never beaten a team seeded in the top eight in the tournament. I don't know, that's a fact I wasn't aware of, and I'm glad Forde brought it to my attention. I'll have to think of that when I get into another "I think Bo Ryan is a top 5-10 coach" argument, because clearly, after seeing those numbers, he's not.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

The real Sweet 16 (and what's going to happen)

Not that I'm the best person to be picking these games, considering I'm sitting in dead last in one pool, and second to last in another, but that's not going to stop me today.

We're down to 16 teams in the NCAA tournament, and at this point, people like to refer to the tourney as "sweet."

That's all well and fine, but here's who's going to win.


Xavier over West Virginia, unless Huggins wears the mustard suit.

UCLA over Western Kentucky, and they won't need the officials this time.

UCLA over Xavier, because really, who the fuck is Xavier.


Washington State over North Carolina, and I don't know why, but I have a really strange feeling about this. My buddy said North Carolina can't just run in this game because they'll take bad shots and WSU will take advantage. But in my mind, there's no way they can play a slow-down game because the Cougars defense is too damn good. So either way, Carolina is fucked, right?

Louisville over Tennessee, because the Chris Lofton walking boot is eerily similar to the Tom Brady one, and Tennessee's inconsistency during games in the tournament won't fly against the Cards.

Washington State over Louisville, because chances are this game isn't even happening.


Wisconsin over Davidson, because the Badgers will lock up Stephen Curry and let the rest of the Davidson team try and beat them, which they won't.

Kansas over Villanova, because although I like the Scottie Reynolds/Mario Chalmers matchup, everything else goes KU's way.

Kansas over Wisconsin, because even though Wiscy will try and slow things down and make it bruising, and Bo Ryan is clearly a better coach than Bill Self, Kansas has proven it can play any style gamme this year, and those players will come through.


Texas over Stanford, because the game is in Houston, and Texas has better bigs than Marquette did, with guard play that might not be as deep, but is at a higher level.

Michigan State over Memphis, because even though I'm not a State fan, I'm a homer.

Texas over Michigan State, because this one is in Houston, and not Detroit. Plus, DJ Augustin will not let Kalin Lucas stick him again.

So there's your Final Four: UCLA, Washington State, Kansas and Texas.

Big 12 vs. Pac 10, bitches.

Enjoy the games.